What's the proper response to jealousy?
I'm pathetic at mercy-giving. For example, I've always struggled when friends respond to my joy with bitterness over their own lack of joy. I inwardly become angry and bitter myself, and outwardly just allow an aura of awkward tension to fester. I let my own desire to have my blessings humanly validated quench a meek and gentle (and very unhuman!) Spirit.
I need an attitude adjustment. I know friends don't intend to make me feel guilty by reacting this way, but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, either. What form of support can I offer? I desperately want to be sensitive to struggles, needs, and heartbreaks, but I'm clueless when it comes to knowing how to react lovingly when I discover a friend can't share in my joy. Any advice?
August 8, 2011 1:40am
I'm not sure that you should validate jealousy. People who can't be happy for others, regardless of their own situation, need the attitude adjustment. I would be patient with the person but I would explain to them that you are there for them, in good times and bad, and would like to feel that they could do the same for you.
August 8, 2011 8:20am
Realistically, it's hard to be so up front with people and say things like you are thinking. It is for me anyway, I don't want to hurt feelings. However, if my feelings are hurt because someone has been a "Debbie Downer" around me, it's hard to react towards them with kindness. I know I've heard myself reacting towards someone's happiness with jealousy and specifically, before I had Emma and we wanted a child so badly and had been trying for a long time, anytime someone was pregnant, I would find myself trying so hard to be happy for them but inwardly, I was sure they would tell I was sad for myself and wishing it was me. Depending on where a person is in life makes them react a certain way. I'm not saying it's the right way to react but sometimes things are going on behind the scenes that we don't know about. Now, having said all that, if someone is reacting this way often, you have every right to say something like, "I notice you haven't been happy lately, is something wrong?" Normally, this shakes them up a little and they may not even realize what they have been doing. It opens up a little communication where you can let them know that whenever you share something great in your life, they usually have something not so great to share. This, of course, doesn't work in all cases and sometimes you just have to cut ties when the person is constantly bringing you down. Sorry if I rambled. :)
August 8, 2011 8:33am
--"The common experience of jealousy for many people may involve: Fear of loss,Suspicion of or anger about a perceived betrayal,Low self-esteem and sadness over perceived loss,Uncertainty and loneliness,Fear of losing an important person to another,Distrust.--
--The experience of envy involves:Feelings of inferiority,Longing,Resentment of circumstances,Ill will towards envied person often accompanied by guilt about these feelings,Motivation to improve,Desire to possess the attractive rival's qualities."--
--"Aristotle's Three Kinds of Friendship: Love one's friend because of the pleasure one gets out of her, or because of the ways in which she is useful, or because one finds her to have a virtuous character."--
--"Acquaintance - a person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend."--
--I would advise you to adjust your expectations of this person. In my book, people that are concerned only of themselves (envious types) are not labeled "friend". My solution: Have few friends, but very dear friends.
(I try my best to be kind and as understanding as possible to acquaintances, from a safe distance.)
August 8, 2011 9:12am
We started studying Phillipians yesterday- The class didn't get very far, but i was looking back at some notes that I have in my Bible about joy and one of then was referring to verse 18. The note said, "Be joyful despite others!"
This is a pretty good book to be reading right now, for me as well.
August 8, 2011 8:59pm
Just listen. Sometimes people really don't want support either in word or deed - they just want someone to listen. :-)
August 15, 2011 8:49pm
I don't know exactly what kinds of joy your friends can't share in (although I know which ones I struggle with personally -- even though that's my problem and shouldn't be yours), but if it relates to the parts I struggle with, you might read "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. If it's something else, not sure what to tell you except that the sooner you realize it is your friend's sin (bitterness is a sin) that is causing you to be bitter (and therefore sin), the sooner you can conquer your own bitterness to help your friend conquer theirs.
